Two of my earliest musical memories should have stated and defined that I should not be a musician!
I'll never forget my first concert at Parkdale Elementary School. It was our first grade christmas concert. It was one of those things where at one point pairs of students each held up a piece of christmassy coloured paper with a letter on it.....together we spelled "Christmas"! awwwwwwwww
Anyway....so Andy Sampson and I were the letter "I"....being the fourth letter was nervewracking....first would have been fine....get it over with....last would have been fine....if I screw up at least we'll be finished and I can go cry or puke or something....but no...we were fourth...
The first three pairs of kids delivered their lines wonderfully...it was emotional, it was pure, these kids were acting...they were performing...and while they were doing that...I was standing there forgetting to breathe...ready to pass out from the nerves....seconds from spraying urine or worse from my lower extremities.... ( this is about how I feel these days when I know I'm about to do a bass solo or worse...sing!!! ) So...it went something like this...
Deryl's Brain - "You can do this!"
1st Pair - "C is for Candy..because we love getting Candy at Christmas time"
Deryl's Brain - "But what if you screw up!?! Everyone will notice and laugh!!!"
2nd Pair - "H is for holiday...time to be with family and friends"
Deryl's Brain - "Dear GOD I'll be made fun of EVEN MORE!!!!"
3rd Pair - "R is for Rudolph...his bright red nose leads Santa to our houses"
Deryl's Brain - "Even though my left leg is convulsing and I may have tinkled a little bit, I CAN DO IT!!"
Deryl - "I is for Icicle..."
Deryl's Somewhat Blank Brain while Andy recites the rest perfectly - "I forget!!! What about Icicle?!?! They're Icy? Interesting? I don't know! IIIIIII suck!!!" and I still can't remember what it was about Icicles that I was supposed to say...
Secondly, and this strangely involves Christmas as well....
I remember around that same year I would walk around my neighbourhood at night and sing Christmas Carols...just because...well....maybe so that my neighbours would hear me sing and be happy!
Honestly...that's what I can remember doing and why! I was a happy kid and apparently loved to sing!
Then I was home one day and I started singing and either my mother or older sister said "You're a good singer!!" and I froze
Someone noticed...and for some unexplainable reason...I didn't like it.... and I stopped singing.... and to this day I basically freeze up when I have to sing alone....and I'm highly sensitive about singing in front of people and what they think and that I probably suck!
Through Dinner Theatre I got rid of this fear slightly...but only slightly...it's not fun...I wish so much that I could sing comfortably and loudly and without inhibition...but for now...I can't.... Maybe I need therapy!